Thursday, May 30

Roseanne’s Morning Show Debut Blows “The View” Out of the Water

Fox Entertainment struck gold with the acquisition of Roseanne Barr. The American public, yearning for a respite from the prevailing woke culture, sought an alternative to Whoopi Goldberg and “The View” for their morning television fix, and they found it.

Roseanne’s latest program, titled “Barr None,” premiered on their streaming network with an impressive 5.8 rating, surpassing ABC’s ratings for “The View” on April 6th of the previous year by more than 13 points. Showrunner Joe Barron confidently declared, “That comparison means we outperformed them by a long shot. Whoopi is probably in her safe space having a good cry as we speak.”

The show kicked off with an opening monologue heavily influenced by the wisdom of Donald Trump, followed by entertaining skits featuring popular personalities like Rob Schneider and Scott Baio. Kid Rock graced the stage as the musical guest, providing Roseanne with an opportunity to pay homage to the January 6 prisoners while using nearly a minute of one of his songs.

The show was a delightful spectacle, eliciting laughter, tears, and even anger directed at members of Congress, particularly those of the Muslim faith, for some inexplicable reason. The grand finale saw the audience chanting “Impeach Biden” for a solid five minutes, culminating in a memorable conclusion to this television masterpiece.

“It was beautiful,” Barron remarked. “We covered nearly every talking point in just under an hour. I’m a bit concerned about what we’ll do tomorrow, but it doesn’t really matter.”

Indeed, it doesn’t. According to Nielsen, Roseanne’s audience boasts an average IQ of about 67, with the highest score (104) attributed to the individual who sold them all rapture insurance.

It was a triumphant day for the culture wars, patriots. Victory is unquestionably ours. God Bless America